I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
