im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
