my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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