listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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