his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
