I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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