Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
