I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
