It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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