I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
