nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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