genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
