Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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