I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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