In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
