I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
