the condom got lost in my hair
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
