please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can you bring me the toilet please
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
