She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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