True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
