im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
