In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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