Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
