did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
