Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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