I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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