Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
