May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
