I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
