Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
