So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
