please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
