yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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