we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
