What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
