the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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