Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
