her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
