just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
