i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
