i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
