sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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