remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
