Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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