dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My liver just had a heart attack.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
