Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
