I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
