she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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