u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
