a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
