I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
