All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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