it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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